No doubt you have heard this famous line from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (9th grade English, anyone?). Shakespeare uses this line to show that one’s name (and all the baggage it brings) is irrelevant, at least in matters of the heart. But this isn’t always true.

Last summer I attended a writer’s conference where I met with a publisher. She looked at my nametag and addressed me as “Carrie.” I’ve heard my name so mispronounced all my life and have thought nothing of it. Once I even corrected someone who pronounced my name correctly (CAR-ee), having expected them to use the common mispronunciation! But on this occasion I voiced my standard line, “It’s actually Kari, but that’s okay. I answer to anything.”

The sweet publisher admonished me. “No! Stand up for who you are. Don’t let anyone call you by the wrong name.” She told me of a children’s book she had recently published about a little girl whose name people always mispronounced. “Your name is important,” she declared.

Think of the importance of a name when dealing with illness. Many of us have been through difficult periods of uncertainty related to our own or a loved one’s health. Symptoms converge in seemingly random patterns that leave even our doctors scratching their heads. Oh, the relief that sweeps over us when we finally receive a name for the illness! Now that we know what it is, we can better deal with it.

My husband and I recently walked this path as his joints became swollen and painful and his normally high energy levels plummeted. Each new symptom brought an increase in anxiety until, finally, after months of doctors and tests, he received a diagnosis of lupus. It wasn’t what we wanted to hear, but at last we had a name, and with it treatment options and empowering information.

Consider the following quote:

“To name something correctly gives us a certain amount of power over it. Through its name we identify it. We are powerless over a disease until we can accurately name it as ‘pneumococcal pneumonia’ or ‘pulmonary embolism.’ Without such identification we are at a loss as to how to treat it. It makes a great deal of difference from the standpoint of both therapy and prognosis whether we label a person’s disorder as ‘schizophrenia’ or ‘psychoneurosis.’ Even when we do not have an effective treatment, it is good to have a name.”

M. Scott Peck
people of the lie: The hope for healing human evil

A few years ago, my husband and I were in another position of desperately needing a name. We were living with my in-laws, caring for my father-in-law (who was on hospice), and dealing with my mother-in-law, who was clearly mentally ill. Some days she was fairly normal, even enjoyable to be around. Other days we walked on eggshells, enduring her wrath each time we blinked the wrong way.

Google was not much help for our ignorance. I googled “schizophrenia,””psychosis,” and myriad other mental health terms to find some reason for my mother-in-law’s apparent psychotic breaks, all to no avail. I talked to the hospice case worker about what we were dealing with. (She suggested we get away for a couple of days. Easier said than done!) I secretly slipped notes to my mother-in-law’s doctor when I took her for appointments. The doctor did not offer a diagnosis, but prescribed meds, which were helpful on the “good” days, but which my mother-in-law refused to take in her psychotic states.

If only we had a name, perhaps we could understand what was happening in her mind, how to deal with it appropriately, how to protect ourselves while being of some benefit to her.

It wasn’t until months later, after we had left my in-laws’ home, that we shared our experiences with my husband’s uncle, a psychologist. Five sentences in, he gave us the much-needed name: Narcissism. My mother-in-law was a narcissist.

Even months after the fact, the name gave us power. Now I knew what to google, what books to read, what influencers to follow, to help us make sense of the 6 months we lived in those horrid circumstances, and indeed, the lifetime of abuse my husband had endured. Therapy (We both needed it after that time.) became more productive. We had many healing conversations, with therapists and with each other, as we looked at our experiences through this new lens.

With the healing came freedom. Freedom to change our perspective from “victim” to “survivor.” Freedom to share our experiences with the hope of encouraging others who have walked similar roads. Freedom to recount our story in ways that will let other abuse victims know they are not alone.

While our written story will one day be released as fiction, it’s as real as the ground you and I walk on. The names are changed. The gaps are filled in. The details are smoothed out to form a more cohesive story. But the experiences are memories that at times still bring me to tears even as I write them. And it is my fervent prayer that my readers will find their own healing within the pages of our story.

I’m reminded of other stories within the pages of the Bible, where a name brought hope and encouragement. One of my favorites is the story of Gideon, found in the book of Judges. The Israelites are suffering under the oppression of the Midianites, who have invaded the land, destroying crops and killing sheep and cattle and donkeys. “When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, “The LORD is with you, mighty warrior” (Judges 6:12).

Mighty Warrior. When these words were spoken of Gideon, he was hiding in a winepress (basically a hole in the ground), attempting to thresh a small bit of wheat out from under the watchful eyes of the Midianite enemy. Doesn’t sound like a mighty warrior to me!

But the Lord was with Gideon, and empowered him to become the name which was spoken over him. God used Gideon to throw off the oppression of an enemy much larger and much stronger than the Israelites. Gideon led his army of 300 men against the 135,000 Midianite warriors and defeated them!

I’ve recently returned from another writer’s conference where the message rang loud and clear for three days. “You are a writer!” Another name. A name which empowers me to press in to God’s call on my life. I am a writer. Whether or not anyone reads my words. I am a writer!

The power of a name aptly applied. Where in your life are you in need of a name? It may be for yourself, or for someone else in your world. Perhaps it is for some threatening reality you face. When have you been empowered by a name? Let me know in the comments, or reply to this email. I would love to hear from you.

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