Struggling Well Through Fear & Anxiety –

Arriving at home after the dreaded grocery shopping trip (I hate grocery shopping!), I found that water had filled the flower bed so completely that it was running all the way across the driveway. The sprinkler head in the corner resembled the fountain at the Bellagio! I turned the valve off, took a picture of the reservoir and rivulets (or rivers!) that had formed, and sent the picture to my husband. His profound response: “Huh. I wonder how that happened.”

Since we live in the desert, the water had mostly evaporated by the time he got home, and the problem was forgotten for the time being.

Afraid that I had perhaps thwarted the mission of the sprinkler system, the next day I turned the valve to once again allow its nourishing flow to bring a pick-me-up to the nearby vegetation. And I once again witnessed a spectacular rendition of the dancing waters. This time I recorded the show on video to give my husband a more accurate representation of what was happening, and then again turned off the valve.

The baffling piece of the puzzle is that this segment of the sprinkler system was not currently in use for the normal daily watering. Someone would have had to physically turn the valve prior to the first time I witnessed its show. We currently live on a friend’s gated property. His gardener had been off for a week, and there was no one else who would have/could have turned the valve. There are a number of roving cats on the property, so we joked about one of them being the culprit. But I tell you, that would take some serious paw skills that could earn us a spot on Animals Got Talent!

I left the valve off this time (being assured that it wasn’t in use anyway), and we chalked the incident up to the invasion of a UVO – an Unidentified Valve Operator.

It occurred to me that this wasn’t my first encounter with a UVO.

At various times in my life, and particularly in these last months of uncertainty surrounding the pandemic, I have had close encounters with my own UVOs, operating the valves of my emotions. 

These uninvited guests wreak havoc with the garden of my mind, forcibly opening the valves of fear and anxiety, usually at the most inopportune times.

I’m a student of Scripture. I know God’s promises, and recount them often. I’m a believer in the power of prayer. And yet my body often betrays me with pounding heart, shortness of breath, and a sense of impending doom.

What is a believer to do when all the “God solutions” fail to calm? My tendency has always been to heap loads of shame upon myself. There must be something wrong with me. Why can’t I get this under control? I believe God’s Word. Why am I still struggling? Why can’t I bring my anxious thoughts into submission?

While I wish that I could simply reach out and turn off the valve just as I did with the sprinkler system, it seems it just doesn’t work that way. 

I’ve been greatly encouraged through these pandemic months by various writings of Ed Welch, (Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation [CCEF] counselor and faculty member), who teaches that the language of the biblical imperative, “Do not fear,” is not in the form of a commandment, but rather an invitation to draw close to God in the midst of our fears. The words are meant to comfort, like a parent comforting a child. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here!”

It seems that nearly every time God says in His Word, “Do not fear,” He also says, “I am with you.” As I began to turn my focus from my struggle to His presence, my mindset began to change.

For weeks my counselor heard from me at the beginning of each counseling session, “I’m struggling!” She finally asked me a simple question. “What does it look like to struggle well?”

Struggle well??? I want to ditch the struggle! Close the valve! Stop the overwhelming flood of negative emotions!

But as I wrestled with her question, I realized that I was making my struggle the issue. I had allowed “Do not fear” to become a point of shame and frustration because I couldn’t NOT fear, no matter how hard I tried. That valve wouldn’t budge!

When I study Scripture I sometimes like to systematically emphasize each word separately to understand it from different perspectives or mine for deeper meaning than I can get out of a cursory reading of the verse. Let’s take the simple phrase, “I am with you.” 

I am with you. 

Who is with me? God. Why does it matter? He is Almighty God, the King of the Universe, the Creator of heaven and earth, the One Who chose me and saved me. He is also my loving, gracious, and merciful Heavenly Father. Because He created me, He knows me. He knows the weak and anxious and fearful me. And yet He chooses to remain with me.

I AM with you.

Right now. In this very moment of turmoil and confusion and anxiousness and distress. His promise is not “I will be with you once you calm yourself and get your thoughts and emotions under control.” He’s with me NOW, in the midst of the mess of my thoughts and emotions.

I am WITH you. 

Little ol’ me. He is with ME. Not a pastor or priest I must seek out for help. Not the Billy Grahams of our day. Not the strong or the important or the wise or the worthy or the influential. He is with ME.

These reminders don’t automatically shut down the valve of my emotions. Some days it’s a trickle. On others it still gushes more than I’d like. And that’s okay. Were it to close completely, my self-sufficient heart would soon stop reminding myself of these precious promises.

HE IS WITH ME.

This, I believe, is what it means to struggle well: To cling to God’s presence despite the prevalence of anxious or fearful thoughts, negative emotions, and the physical manifestations of anxiety.

What does that look like practically? For me it’s reminding myself daily, hourly, or even moment by moment as the situation dictates, of three things:

1. God is Present (Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 28:20).
2. God is Preeminent (Just a fancy “P” word that means He’s in control.) (1 Chronicles 29:11, Colossians 1:16-17, Matthew 10:29-30).
3. I am Precious to Him (Psalm 56:9, Zephaniah 3:17, 1 Peter 5:7).

God bless the fountain which keeps me mindful of His presence.

Is it simply me? Or do you find yourself in a similar struggle with anxiety and/or fear?