I heard a song on the radio last week that caught my attention. It was a song by Casting Crowns, and though it has been out for a couple of years, somehow I’ve missed it until now. The lyrics astonished me as they reverberated through my car speakers, so precisely echoing my own thoughts.

*“I don’t wanna write this song.
I don’t want this pain to be my story.
I don’t want this desert road.
Are you sure this is the plan that you have for me?”

Replace “song” with “book,” and the words could have been my own. Life was easier when all I wrote were entertaining and thought-provoking blog posts. As much as I love to write, there are days when I dread sitting at my computer and ripping my heart to shreds with the memories I attempt to put to paper.

I did not want this story for my own. I did not want my children to feel the effects of having a narcissist for a grandmother. I grieve for the years my husband grew up in an emotionally abusive environment, trying to earn the love of a mother who was incapable of loving.

Why, God? Why did she have to be that way? Was it really necessary that we endure the hell she put us through?

*“It’s not the path I would have chosen,
But I’ll follow You to the end.”

I would never in a million years have chosen this path for myself. It is much too painful! I would be without hope if I did not believe that there is a purpose in everything that we walk through on this earth.

I’m reminded of a women’s event I attended many years ago. The speaker was Beth Moore, who shared (in vague generalities) her heartbreaking experiences of childhood abuse. She told the story of a prior women’s event, where one attendee had approached her after a session, tears in her eyes, and asked Beth, “Why did you have to go through all of that?” Beth took the young lady gently by the arms, looked into her eyes, and through her own tears whispered the words, “For you.”

I believe there is someone out there who needs to hear my story. Someone who is doing their best to survive a present experience of narcissistic abuse, or is desperate to heal from the memories of shattered expectations and crushed hopes that things would somehow get better.

YOU. You are the reason I sit at my computer each day and relive my own painful memories, why I recount those of my husband. God wants you to find hope. Hope that you are not alone, that someone has walked the road before you, that someone understands.

I can offer you hope only because Jesus gave ME hope on that desert road, and He continues to do so. Even on the days when I could barely breathe, so great was the oppression, I knew I was never alone.

*“I’m not out here on my own.
You are close to the broken-hearted
‘Cause You’ve already walked this road,
And You’re gonna finish what You started.”

Are you on a desert road of narcissistic abuse? I am here for you. Connect with me through email or social media and I promise I will respond. Maybe someone you know is walking that road alone. Please forward my newsletter to them, or tell them how to contact me.

Perhaps you are on a desert road of another kind. There is hope for you, as well, my friend, for “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless” (Isaiah 40:29, New Living Translation). During this Christmas season, may you find hope in the truth that no matter where you are, no matter what road you are walking, you are never alone.

For I hold you by your right hand—I, the LORD your God.

And I say to you, “Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

*Casting Crowns, “Desert Road,” Healer, Provident Music Group, 2021.